Ought to

I ought to be shot. Don't know what the hell I'm doing nowadays and I really hate myself now. I can't even get something done decently and everything feels like it's in a vicious cycle over and over again. Getting worse each time. And then I'll loathe myself a little more.

My studies, never on track. Even if they weren't like this last time, everything will turn out to be fine at the end. Now. It's like total neglect. Not that I want to neglect on purpose. There's just something very wrong about me. I'm living a life in denial and escape.

I don't need a therapist. It's a waste of time. Might as well overcome whatever this is and get back my motivation. Every time I think about this I have to remind myself that I can't let myself and the people around me down. My close friends, boyfriend, family would be cursing and swearing at me if anything ever happen to me. I guess that is some sort like my motivation right now. Totally living for the wrong reasons. On the surface, I still look like my usual self. I know what I should do, but yet I can't do it. You see, I should be doing my assignment right now and I end up loathing myself for not being productive and motivated and end up writing this post feeling worst than ever. Yea, and getting obsessed over how much I hate my situation.

p.s: how can i expect people to enjoy being with me when i don't even approve myself of my own actions. i'm at my worst when i'm alone. 2010 was so great. 2011 is a dreadful process. ):


Readers, what should I do? I'm in a rut.